What can I do to support my partner during their EMDR intensive?
In the last piece I wrote I probably struck some fear into the hearts of my client’s partners talking about how an EMDR intensive may cause a breakup. But not every relationship will end if one partner does deep trauma healing. Many of my clients are in positive, secure relationships. Their partners are incredible supporters and advocates for their partners in an intensive. To continue to help my clients and their partners maintain and even strengthen their relationships during their EMDR intensive, here are some of the top tips for supporting your partner during their EMDR intensive.
Pick up the slack (and don’t mention it!)
When going through an EMDR intensive, your partner will likely be emotionally and mentally exhausted, which will impact their ability to do some of the daily tasks or chores they normally do. If you notice things aren’t getting done, do them yourself. Your partner is going through a lot, and it is incredibly meaningful for them to know that they can rely on you to help with the logistics of life without having to ask and without you having to make a big deal out of helping. EMDR intensive therapy requires my clients to focus inward on themselves, so they may not notice or express appreciation for the extra help. It can also feel extra harsh on the nervous system of someone in an EMDR intensive to be asked to pick up their slack in household chores. Think of it like your partner is recovering from a surgical procedure. EMDR intensives aren’t surgery, but the intensity, precision, and rate at which they are healing is like psychological surgery. Help out where you can!
Become trauma-informed
Learning about trauma and how it impacts the bodies, lives, and relationships of survivors will help you understand your partner better. A great book for you to read before your partner’s intensive is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. (If you don’t want to read the book, watch this excellent discussion of this incredible book). Trauma is an isolating experience and the way that survivors of trauma are sometimes treated by the world around them causes even more harm. As a support for your partner, it is so valuable for you to be someone they can depend on to treat them in a way that acknowledges the impact of trauma.
Be prepared to be triggered
I can’t tell you how often I start to see a client, and as that client starts to heal their trauma and work to create healthier attachments for themselves, their partner starts to experience negative reactions. Someone healing can bring up feelings of worry about abandonment, being good enough, or memories of your own trauma. So many of my client’s partners didn’t think they experienced trauma until their partner started to heal. They saw what living life without the burden of traumatic stress can mean for someone. So many folks underestimate how much they rely on their partner being stable and consistent until their partner takes intentional steps to change, and it can feel very unstable for the partner not in EMDR to experience the rapid improvement of their partner - even if the changes are all for the better.
Continue (or start) therapy for yourself
The best way to handle feeling triggered by your partner is to have your own therapist to process your feelings about your partner’s changes. If my client’s partner doesn’t have a therapist I am always happy to make a referral. I often recommend that partners consider getting a relationship or couple’s specialty therapist to help with the relationship as one member goes through their healing process. At the very least, having your own mental health professional to help you navigate the shift in your partner and the relationship will help smooth the transition for your partner, and allow you to have a place where your experience and opinions are centered. Because…
You are not the focus!
Many people in relationships with people who have experienced trauma are either used to having their partner provide for their emotional needs because that is what helped keep their partner safe; or all members of the relationship have trauma and there is codependency, aka a mutual, unspoken contract to abdicate emotional wellbeing to your partner. As the partner moves through an EMDR intensive they will start taking back the responsibility of their emotional wellbeing and start expecting you to do the same. This can feel abrupt and like your partner doesn’t care about you anymore, but that’s not the case.
Acknowledging that your partner’s priority is to work on themselves and their healing means that you won’t be the center of their attention, but this gives you permission to decenter them from your emotional work. This shifting of attention from the other to the self can be difficult for some relationships, but it is an important part of your partner’s healing process.*
*This does not mean that partners will no longer co-regulate with each other. As human beings, we are impacted by the others around us - that is coregulation. Codependency is when there is an expectation that someone else will manage your emotions/try to keep you happy by modifying your behavior. Coregulation isn’t about trying to avoid unpleasant or negative emotion, it’s about being able to acknowledge and navigate when and how the mood and emotions of others are impacting you.*
Know that your partner is tender but not broken
A chief complaint that I hear from clients who undergo intensives is that their partner starts to treat them like they’re made of the world’s most fragile material. This can cause my clients to feel even more isolated and insecure in their relationship, leading to bigger issues in the relationship. When I talk to clients about this phenomenon I ask them to consider the other side or their partner’s perspective. Clients usually conclude that their partner is trying to care for them, but doing it in an awkward, clumsy way. In an effort for this not to be you, it is important to remember that your partner is a badass. The shit they lived through was really fucked up and has impacted them in many areas of their life. Recovering from this will likely cause them to be more sensitive for some time, but this soreness and sensitivity means that they are coming into their strength.
Think about what it takes to build muscle - we make little tears in the fibers of the tissue to build it back up and make it stronger. When someone does deep trauma work like an EMDR intensive, they are going to feel sore - like after a big workout. Ultimately, they will recalibrate and their resilience will be all that’s left. So, in the meantime, treat them well, with respect, love, and kindness, but don’t treat them like they’re about to break, or are a volcano waiting to erupt. It won’t help them, or you, or your relationship.
Continue being supportive
Hopefully, this advice will help you if your partner is considering an EMDR intensive. And if you are the one considering doing trauma work like an EMDR intensive, please forward this to your partner and have a conversation about your feelings and expectations before getting started. For therapy in general (and for EMDR intensives) having a positive support network is very helpful. I have so much gratitude and love for the partners of my clients who can step up for them during this process. While it can be hard as things change and settle into a new normal for your partner and yourself, ultimately, you can have a stronger, healthier relationship by being there for them in their time of need.